Archive for the ‘HILLARIOUS’ Category

((This is an experiment, writing ICly about a book the character Odynae read. It makes my head hurt.))

Arabella was a gun dwarf through and through, and the bravest pirate lady ever, even though she only hurt bad people. One day, she was walking through an alley when THREE MEN JUMPED ON HER and started to hit her all over and she said ‘no please stop!’ and shot one in the kneecap but then a lady appeared. She had long hair and it was red. Her face was very pretty and didn’t have any scars on it, and she was very pretty, but wore lots of armor but definitely had boobs- big ones that were very pretty. She was really good at a lot of things and no one ever called her stupid. The lady beat up the first man with her bare fists and chopped off his dingle-dangle, then kicked the second one off her foot and onto a roof! Arabella shot the third man in the head after shooting out his knee and grinned at the beautiful lady. “Hey there thanks for helping me- you’d be a really good pirate you should come on my boat and help us be pirates!”

The pretty lady, whose name was Odinessa Apple Dawnsword, nodded. “Okay” She said and they went to Arabella’s ship, lifting anchor and sailing away.

On the ship, they spent a lot of long time sword-fighting. Odinessa wasn’t very good with guns but Arabella showed her how to shoot them and she got really good and everyone told her how good she was it, but she only smiled. There was a very handsome man pirate but she couldn’t look at him because she was so busy being good and nice to people that she wouldn’t have time to look at the very handsome man pirate, and anyway Arabella and Geth spent all their time with her drinking ale and teaching her how to shoot things. One time Geth accidentally shot a fireball at her, but Odinessa was special and couldn’t be put on fire. It was probably because she was secretly a princess but nobody knew that, everyone just thought she was an orphan.

They landed on a mysterious island full of birds and wolves and other strange creatures, like three-headed monkeys and cannibal trolls. Arabella took point and Geth stood behind her. Bitsy, the mechanical gnome who was really funny and smart, stood behind Geth and Odinessa guarded the rear with her big red sword. They went through the jungle looking for treasure, and the birds made loud noises everywhere they went. It was all verdant and green and pretty cool, and Bitsy said she was tired of being on the boat anyyway. Besides there was treasure on the Island of Skulls.

The handsome pirate man, whose name was Sterling, was nowhere to be found when they left the ship, but Odinessa wasn’t worried because Sterling was real strong and would be fine. They made their way through the jungle and their feet crushed little branches everywhere, so they didn’t hear the trolls all around them and they suddenly JUMPED DOWN AND IT WAS A TRAP there was never any treasure at all, it was just a lie that SOMEONE HAD MADE UP THE WHOLE TIME!!!

Odinessa wasn’t afraid at all, even when one of the trolls’ hands began to get all red and he made a really big fireball. He laughed and it was an evil laugh and he threw the fireball STRAIGHT AT ODINESSA’S FACE and all of her beautiful long red hair burned up but her skin was special and couldn’t burn. She felt sad that her hair was all gone but she knew that none of her friends would laugh at her or make fun of it, so she jumped forward and put her long red sword into the head troll.

Suddenly, Sterling appeared and he didn’t have a shirt on and she was really interested in what he looked like without a shirt. His hat hid his eyes and his voice was all wrong when he shouted at them. “NOW YOU ARE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE I TRICKED YOU MUAHAHAHAHA”

Arabella jumped forward and shouted too. “No don’t kill us were your friends and you’re a good person!” She shouted. Odinessa knew better, though, because Sterling told them there was treasure and all he did was lie to them even though he pretended like he liked her. She wasn’t stupid and didn’t fall for his stupid stupid tricks, so she jumped forward and hit him on the head and all the trolls ran away.

They tied Sterling to a stick and Arabella said “Wow Odinessa that was really brave of you, we’d all be dead if you weren’t so smart!” And Odinessa smiled. She gave Sterling a kiss on the head. “What do we do with him?” She asked Arabella, and Bitsy chimed in. “We should tie him up and leave him for the trolls!”

“Yeah!” Everyone agreed, but Odinessa was not so sure, because maybe it wasn’t really him.

So she snuck down to the beach where they left him and she lifted up his hat. Beneath it there were maggots all white and wormy, crawling around. He laughed at Odinessa and

((The fic is left unfinished, hidden somewhere deep in Dyna’s sock drawer. It appears she was unable to get further than that.))


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