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Archive for November, 2011

Never too late

November 2

Three weeks to the culmination of all I’ve fought for, all I’ve bled for, for the past year and a half. Maybe longer, if you count the time I didn’t know what I was fighting.

Tremaine’s laid it on my head to make the thing killable. Said that you can’t kill what isn’t alive. Said that it was possible to make it mortal, and that it was on me to figure out how. Said he’d given me the tools I needed, that it was up to me to put the pieces together.

Put the pieces together, and gather the army that’ll go to face it. Keep my friend from killing my lover boyfriend child’s father Myk.

Something went wrong in the Caverns. Tia’s head is all warped, thinks Myk’s the reason her father died. I told him to be careful, but Light knows that may not be enough. What a mess. It’s all a bloody mess and it wouldn’t have happened if I’d persuaded him to stay behind. But then, it’d be someone else’s face, someone else’s voice and name she’d have seen and heard- this is what happens when I get close to people. I warned him.

That warning doesn’t make a damn difference if she finds him, though. May as well be my hands that do the cutting

This is not another Strahm. He’s going to be just fine, he’s a smart, resourceful man. I have to trust him to take my warning and take care of himself- I don’t have much time left.

Have to focus.

It’s hard enough walking this path, knowing all that I stand to lose. Now is not the time to dwell. Mahlar was sure as hell right, though- if I’m going to go, I’ll go down kicking and screaming, fighting for all I’m worth. I won’t give up like it showed. If nothing else, I will make sure that much is true.

Focus.

I need to try to Vizriel Lorcain, Istari’s husband. He may have some insight as to how to make someone unliving, living. Or maybe some sort of necromancer, or warlock, or something. Someone who knows how to force energy into possessing a mortal shell. I don’t care what it takes or who it takes to talk to, I don’t care, this is more than a paladin’s vendetta against the darkness- if what Tremaine told me is true, we stand to lose everything in this one fight, and if those who fight it fall…

I won’t let that happen.

I’ve got to see this through to the end, I’ve got to bear this burden and change what the watch showed me- it’s not too late.

I’ll think of something. I’ve never been the smartest woman, and I don’t know why it’s up to me to put together these pieces, but I’ll think of something damn it. I have to. There is no other option.

Myk’s right. I can’t stop fighting, I can’t give in to hopelessness, and I won’t accept what’s been shown to me. Before it was snatched away from me, I never gave much thought to my future. I guess I figured Strahm and I would fight until the fighting was done or we fell fighting. Maybe we’d get old, maybe we wouldn’t. Maybe we’d have children. Maybe we wouldn’t. I’ve always lived in the moment, not given all too much thought to what lay ahead or behind- but maybe that was a mistake.

I think Faeir will help fight now. She’s done fighting Tremaine, wants a crack at the real enemy.

Still have to make my will. Lorcain said he’d watch over Gaell, I dunno if he remembers that though. Who will bring Barclay’s lost love flowers

If I fall, the memories of a dozen lost compatriots die with me. How dreary to think about.

Too much to do, no time to dwell. This has been an exercise in time wasting fruitlessness.

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