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Archive for September, 2011

Squire Dawnhammer: Humility

On Humility

Humility is a difficult thing to pin down, as it is held within one’s intentions as opposed to the direct choices and actions one makes. It is easy to hold arrogance in your heart even as you do ‘selfless’ things, with the hopes of impressing others. The difference between pride in oneself and ones work and arrogance can, at times, be an uncomfortably thin line. Humility helps keep our heads level, helps us to see that the challenges we face are not insurmountable- the problems before us are as only as large as we feel we are.

As difficult as it is to pin, here are some actions which, with the proper intention behind them, might demonstrate a sense of Humility.

– To anonymously bequeath a sum on an organization in need of aid
– To understand that one is not impervious nor perfect, and therefor must rely on others for aid and correction
– To swallow one’s pride and turn the other cheek when one feels rebuffed or insulted by the conduct of another.
– To understand one’s limitations and not endlessly seek power for power’s sake alone
– To let one’s own deeds go unsung and listen, instead, to the stories of others.
– To set aside the importance of your own feelings and consider, instead, those of others around you.
– To place others above oneself and forgo one’s own leisure in favor of service
– To volunteer one’s time and energy to menial tasks that others find tedious or degrading
– To help a stranger with no expectation or desire for compensation
– To kneel in prayer and supplication

Humility is about lowering one’s place in the world voluntarily, and a Knight of the realm should show it in service and deed. A knight’s motivations in stories and tavern talk are frequently to be a hero; but heroes get themselves killed on quests of valor. A knight better serves his or her realm by exercising humility and surviving the tale by either realizing their own limitations, or asking for help along the way. A dead hero does the Bastion- and the Alliance- no more good once his or her heart stops beating. A knight must never forgot his or her purpose, and that is service- no matter how grand, no matter how celebrated the name, we are the hand that reaches out to treat a stranger with kindness when others would turn aside.

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September 26

Ereleth Tremaine is back and will have better have some explanations to offer, once I find him again.

Attended Brewfest Ball. It was tremendous fun, though I guess I owe Ziichi an apology for punching her. Then again, drunk or not, she should have known better than to try touching me inappropriately. Actions have consequences, even if you didn’t win a drinking contest but tried to. Danced and entered the strong-woman contest. Saw Balderos in his underoos with a murloc hat. Wish I’d invested in brain bleach beforehand. Mahl was fluttering about like some elegant butterfly, wish I could look half as pretty in a dress as he did! I was in a dress, some folk didn’t even recognize me. Bah.

Went north. Mission accomplished, though there were some hiccoughs. Still puzzling out what happened, but everything went mostly according to plan. With any luck, will be introducing Tremaine to Bastion in short order- I’ll wring his neck if he decides the Bastion needs to see him as an enemy too. His stubbornness on deciding everyone around him needed to despise him was more a hindrance than a help to our goals, I see that now. But I won’t lie to protect him or to sate whatever sick need it is that drives him to make enemies of friends. He can have friends.

Still not sure if I trust him. I’ve forgotten nothing. He said I’d betray him in the end, and that it would be unavoidable? Then something’s going to happen to necessitate that. Whatever it is, he clearly means for it to happen, which means that it’s likely involved with destroying our foe. I’m not stupid, I can put two and two together- if I have to betray him to end our foe, then there’s something here that he isn’t telling me, because whatever it is I do that betrays him is either seen as a betrayal BY him, or, more likely, by me. He’s not one for ‘betrayal’ so much as I am- he sees it as business, so he must be referring to how I’ll see it. It worries me. Nit’sen warned me not to look. Nit’sen, who doesn’t giving a flying toenail’s fart over what becomes of any of us, aside whether or not he’ll win a wager. That’s troublesome, if an entity as utterly unflappable as he is tells me there are some things I’d rather not know…

Complicated. Things are complicated.

Came across Frostleaf in Stormwind, she told me something of the woes the Legion is experiencing. Apparently Hector’s missing again, leaving Darran in charge, and Light knows Darran doesn’t do shit. Suggested that she recruit for their efforts, she seemed rather adamant that she was- asked her to give me her recruitment spiel, and it was awful.

Got gassed by some fucker in the process, came to to her smacking me. It worked. Said gassing fucker was apparently trying to persuade her to show some skin for recruitment, something that Redhand and I adamantly disagreed with, hence the gassing, I suppose. Ari turned up and tried to roust Redhand, Redhand had one of his fits but I managed to attract his ire and deter it from Ari. He picked me up and threw me. That wasn’t terribly fun

Told Frostleaf that the Bastion’s been fighting their enemies, shamed her just a little and she said she’d be there, if needed, to help in any future engagements. I hope I lit fire beneath her to start recruiting in earnest. We can’t do this alone, and the enemy is as much theirs as it is mine, if not more so.

And then Myk. I told him- much and more. Too much. But there’s always more.

And now it is today.

Tristen leaves soon, very soon. I’ll be watching out for Lea, like I promised. May have to ask her for lessons on cooking, as much as the thought intimidates me. It’d be a reason to be nearby, and it’d be useful, I guess.

I’m- selfishly torn about the matter. On the one hand, far be it for me to begrudge the man what he wants. On the other…

Tristen’s been a force of wisdom and direction that I’ll sorely miss. Things are going to feel a lot less sure without knowing I can talk to him if I need to, seeing that scarred up smiling face of his. He turned me around when I needed turning, listened when I was too scared to talk to anyone anymore, told me I was a person when I was adamant that I wasn’t. He gave me hope when I’d nearly lost it.

Tristen’s a man I’d die following, and gladly. I won’t be happy to see his back, but there it is. Gotta stand on my own two feet and do my best by him. Make him proud to come home.

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September 24
Impetuous, faithless, disloyal, impulse-ridden chit

It’s okay for me to feel this way, it’s okay for me to move forward, there was no future there only stubborn clinging to a slowly sinking branch pulling me deeper and deeper into the mud

Duty above all else, duty to my cause, honor and faith and nothing changes, I’m still plodding to that fire, diligence, loyalty, the curtain draws closed and all that remains is dust and ash. It doesn’t matter if I live or if I die, I cannot falter, I cannot stray the path.

— and that word, that dangerous word chases circles in my head, trapped at the tip of my tongue–

much too soon

much much too soon, what, have I really lost my mind??

Bow my head and grit my teeth and forge ahead, cannot falter, cannot sway, stay the path.

What am I doing?? What was I thinking? What kind of a person would even begin to move on already, a whore would, a faithless unfeeling whore who just

Forget about it, Dawnhammer. Focus. There are more important things at hand than these trivialities. Jahgan trusted me to find the course and I think I have it, steady before my mind’s eye.

Should’ve told him. Told him what, exactly? It’s complicated. It’s always complicated. Liar. I haven’t technically lied, only left some bits out. I’m not in danger. Liar. If the tables were turned I’d be furious with him, absolutely furious. The Light abhors a liar. A knight doesn’t lie. I have no choice, it’s complicated– always bloody complicated. Should’ve told him something closer to the truth, though. Should’ve told him. Told him what?

I don’t even know if this will work. It’s a merry chase, now isn’t it? It shouldn’t be dangerous. Breaking my promises. I’m not breaking my promises, this is something I have to do alone and it might not even do anything at all and

Who needs enemies with friends like these?

In my heart and in my head I am at war with myself, always. There are some truths I just can’t tell. There are some lies I can’t keep either.

Is it that I’m selfish? That I want to be the hero? Why am I so sure that I’m the only one who could understand this-? Why does no one understand when I try?

Jahgan is not the enemy. I am the only one who doesn’t doubt him, yet can I trust my own judgement in this? I’m a terrible judge of character. I’ve been lied to and betrayed more times than I can count, yet I still extend that olive banch. My heart tells me to trust him, my gut tells me I can trust him. I’ve seen things. I know things that I can’t share.

And yet everyone around me screams ‘why! Why are you doing this!’

Even Strahm and Mayru

It wasn’t him, it was never him.

How could I have done this. I didn’t see a future there, but I don’t get a future, remember? It’s easy to forget things like marriage and duty when in the arms of someone who’s damn near a stanger, idiot. Fool. What was I thinking?

Stop. Breathe. Think. Duty. Forget the rest, I’ve got a job to do. When it’s over, when all is done and I make it out alive, I’ll tell him the truth. All of it.

So much for humility and honor.

It’s too dangerous.

Forget everything else. Duty comes first. I will end this thing, if it takes my whole life to do it.

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September 22

Much and more to be grateful for.

Mahlar lived through the engagement that the Embersea- fought? Negotiated through? I haven’t- managed to find the time to pester him for details. I’ve been so distracted lately, can hardly find the forest for all the trees in my path.

Been studying the orb that was left behind by the portal. So far I’ve determined that it’s about the size of a small melon and I don’t know what it is. Further research will be necessary. Perhaps I’ll try poking it with a spoon instead of a stick.

No sign of hide nor hair of Tremaine. I must keep faith; he’s made it out of worse than this before. Though he’s always had the watch to guide him, surely it isn’t just the artifact that kept him safe? He’s skilled, canny, and unflinching when it comes to keeping himself safe long enough to do what needs to be done. He would have warned me if he’d planned on dying, which means that dying was not in the plan, so he’s got to be out there somewhere.

I hope. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just wrong.

Haven’t seen or heard anything new of Strahm either. Part of me thinks it is time to hunt- don’t suffer a cultist to live, it isn’t him, it was never him. But then, without the proof, I am no better than bloody Dermont if I do this. Fucking Damn Dermont. Tristen has the right of it, as is usual. Still the blade. Wait for the proof. Do things right, don’t act in haste. What if I was wrong?

Could I live with myself, if I let him die without being sure?

Before, I felt it as keenly as a knife in my belly, when Marius ripped him apart. I could hear the sounds of battle and I willfully turned my back to it- and I still feel as though I did it myself. Would it be any different, if I actually was the one to have done it? Could the guilt possibly be worse than it already is?

Not until I’m certain. Not until there’s proof. Slow down, think it through- act the part of the Knight, even as I am training to become one.

How could I condemn Dermont’s actions, if I turned around and did the same thing myself?

Been seeing a lot of Myk, and he a lot of me. Too much, in some cases. Way, way too much. How do you even begin to apologize for something like that? I was angry- why is it that most of the things I regret start with, ‘I was angry’?

Tremaine was right about that. I’ve never made a good choice while furious. This anger is like an infection, and I must purge myself of it, else I’ll only ever continue to make foolish mistakes.

I’m tired of looking back and seeing, too late, just how much of a trusting, blind idiot I’ve been in my life. What’s worse is watching it repeat itself. The anger wells and blinds me, and I just want to shout and pit myself against something bigger than me, meaner than me, until I’m exhausted and bloodied and done feeling like a soft, helpless fool. But I can’t let it happen anymore.

Stop feeling so damn much and just think for one. Bloody. Minute.

Just because it happened once doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. They are not the same. Not even similar. And I owe him an apology.

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Report: Portals in Duskwood

Report: Portals in Duskwood

Per Jahgan’s verbal confirmation every few days, the excursion to Duskwood was postponed at first due to the entity’s presence directly at the location of the unknown architecture, and then later due to Stormwind’s agents lingering nearby, attempting to gain an understanding of what was occurring.

Last night, Jahgan approached me to inform me that the structural integrity of whatever was there was collapsing, and that if we were to determine whether Tremaine could be pulled from it, we’d best go now.

I informed the communication stone promptly, having already obtained Mykhael O’Donnelly’s company for said excursion. Sir Angela Ballamore authorized the departure, with Kinza volunteering to provide her shield for defense. Serrak Endros joined us along the way.

We made our way to the center of Duskwood to examine the portal. Serrak, Kinza, and I arrayed ourselves strategically so as to retain the high ground against the probable enemy- more than likely the same stone golems we’ve faced in previous engagements. I made sure to warn Serrak and Kinza that the use of the Light or other energies was likely to end only in the strengthening of our opponents, per previous experience.

Mykhael did something magely, I do not understand the details of it, but it had something to do with portals and other planes and the like. Whatever it was left him exhausted by the end of it.

For our part, Kinza, Serrak and I arrayed ourselves in a line across the ramp, halfway down as to retain the high ground while still giving ourselves space to retreat without crowding Mykhael’s efforts.

As soon as he began his work, the lights about us were slowly snuffed, one by one, leaving only darkness and the eerie glow of the portal. Something felt very off, a prickling uneasiness, but we held our position steadfast until the distant glow of green stone began to tumble forward.

There were five golems. The enemy must not have anticipated our presence, is the only way I can explain why so few were brought against us. They moved faster than they ought, they tried to break the line but Serrak and I held the sides and Kinza the center. One nearly got past, but the blade of my spear sent it back to the base of the ramp; this did, however, distract Mykhael from his workings. He went back to them rapidly.

They seemed to be trying to taunt us into breaking formation, trying to tease weakness from the line, but we held fast. Several times they sallied, and several times we beat them back, neither side gaining nor losing anything of the ventures. Serrak demonstrated an interesting affinity for the use of guns; Kinza showed great skill and valor with her shield.

However, the enemy has revealed a new tactic. The golems seemed to confer a bit, then the four of them plucked up the fifth and threw him, fast and hard. Serrak shouted a warning and we both managed to dodge to the side of the incoming enemy, trusting Kinza, who had retreated toward the top of the ramp, to his destruction. However, instead of attacking, the golem exploded and left a very deep, very large hole where it had been. Had it not been for Serrak’s timely warning, we might have been in dire straights.

I moved down the ramp, hoping to draw fire so that any further attacks of a similar magnitude would not occur where Mykhael was channeling. It was then that the ramp began to tremor and the golems vanished from sight. I could only assume that worse was coming, when I caught a glimpse at the enemy itself.

The demon- though it has been pointed out to me that despite its appearance, it is unlikely to be a demon proper, as no known demon can abide Light, nor has any demon demonstrated the abilities of our foe- moved through Duskwood’s center like an unstoppable force of motion. Trees splintered like twigs against its berth. I felt for certain that we were about to be in a very dire circumstance. At that point, our only hope was that whatever Mykhael was doing could somehow save us; without better numbers, and with so little to aid us as far as environmental factors, I didn’t believe we stood a chance.

The entity spoke ominous words about ‘Not learning your lesson’ and sorts of things you would expect it to say, I’m afraid I was a little distracted trying to find a solution to pay precise attention. I gave Kinza and Serrak the go-ahead to wield Light against it, as the enemy at large has demonstrated less ability to absorb than its minions, and at that point there was little that could have worsened the situation.

This is where the situation becoms hazy in my recollection, I’m afraid. It was swinging a massive club and attempted to crush me. I called on the Light and found myself batted into a tree. The aegis held and I am unharmed, but the wind was knocked from me and I was unable to rejoin the battle before it was over. I did witness a large mass of energy strike the demon from where Mykhael had been channeling, however, I do not know the how or what or why of it.

Whatever happened seemed to weaken it somewhat. It made more ominous words about ‘All of us’ sharing the same fate of this world. I can only assume this is a threat.

Injuries are limited to some bruises. Kinza had a bit of a weak leg already from an old injury, and the fight didn’t do it any good.

The original aim of the mission may or may not have been successful. Mykhael tells me that Ereleth Tremaine was spotted, under seige by a small army of the entity’s golems, and that he helped clear them for Tremaine to escape through the portal… but that he vanished at the portal’s edge, and that all that emerges from said portal was a glowing orb of unknown power and origin.

The orb remains in Mykhael’s possession, and the whereabouts of Ereleth Tremaine are unknown.

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September 18Another day, another battle. We made it out alive, the only injuries were to Kinza, and minor ones at that. Got tossed like a child’s toy into a tree, but the Light protected me, as it ever has.

We did well, I think. I keep mulling it over when my brain isn’t distracted by other things and we did damn well. We found the tactical advantage and held it. It felt good to stand shoulder to shoulder with allies again, though the dread in the pit of my belly…

Tristen’s got the right of it, of course. I don’t have to like it- and believe me, I don’t like it, not one small bit- but I can’t do this alone, and it’s a waste of time to sit here and feel wretched about the whole thing. Every man and woman stands up and chooses what they want in life. I can’t just shove people back and try to do it all myself, all that’s going to do is get me killed and then It wins and my friends and loved ones will have to face it anyway, but without me.

Is that what I want? No. I want to be alive, I want to survive this thing, and I’m not ready to just throw my life away for no light damn reason. I have to find a way to save the others. Then I’ll save myself. I can do this. I must do this.

If anyone’s going to die, though, it’s going to be me.

No. No one’s going to bloody well die. Not going to let that happen.

My will wavers like a leaf on a branch. Some days, like today, I feel nigh indestructable. Nothing can possibly go wrong. While I stand, while I breathe, while I bleed, I will fight until my heart gives way and the blood pools about me, I will curse my enemy’s name with my last breath and go down laughing.

Other days, it seems like it is only a matter of time. I feel old. I feel withered and doomed.

But not today. I wash my hands of the sorrow and regret. No more regretting, there is a future before me, a bright dawn, and I intend to seize it with both fists and slam it in the head until it begs for mercy- I am alive, damn it!

Kinza and Serrak was good as their word. They listened to me, didn’t try to channel Light into the golems- Serrak shouted a warning in time for one of the golems to launch another as a sort of grenade, I’m sure Locke will be interested to learn of that tactic. I’ve been thinking on what Sir Von Diehl told me, his simple, yet queerly probable conclusion- it can’t be a demon, because demons cannot abide the Light, regardless of how crafty. Perhaps it is misleading to call it a demon, then? Everyone gawps at me when I say its minions have learned to absorb holy energy…

As far as Tremaine goes…

I pray for him. Is it possible he made it through the portal? Myk says he simply vanished, had a whole horde of demons golems after him. Did he make it? He was my ally, a friend, of sorts… I do not feel that it was his time to be ended. But I”ve been wrong about that before. It’s too soon to mourn his loss, and we must determine what the orb is. It brings to mind the orb that Tia was safeguarding, the one I entrusted to Faeir’s care.

There has been no news from Faeir, which is troubling. Even Drayde hasn’t heard anything from her. Drayde’s worried, as well he should be. But I have to trust in her resourcefulness. The aura was gone, the demon entity won’t get her. Now all she has is the invasion from the elemental planes to deal with, at the behest of the black dragonflight. Oyyy. Life’s never simple, is it?

But it’s like I told Myk. You have to trust in your comrades to do their part. No matter how much you care, or how much you miss them, you can’t always try to watch over everyone and yourself, too. Everyone has a job to do, and you can only do your own job- you can’t do everyone’s at once, you have to believe that those around you are as capable as you are. Help when you can, aye, but don’t abandon your post to rush to someone’s aid- Hold the line!

I worry for Mahl. I haven’t heard from him, since the Accord went to face their enemy. Misplaced the dagger with the stone in the hilt, I think it’s in my chest somewhere but Light help me if the damn thing isn’t full of bits and pieces. I’ve got his will, and Marlo’s. I pray the Light I don’t need to ever break the seals.

Gaell grows larger by the day, and I haven’t the foggiest on how to train him- or Newt, for that matter. Still, he keeps to my heels like he’s afraid I’m going to leave without him if he doesn’t. I can hardly blame the poor pup, as I’ve left him in the companionship of Simon more than a few times to go about my business. Guess he doesn’t much care for that, but I’m not going to risk a half grown pup to the demon entity’s wrath.

I haven’t found the time to check in on Aryetta and Faceripper, but I may or may not have filched one of Lea’s many pies to slip in her drop box. It is fully my intention to provide her with some training, some guidance, so that she becomes more than just a gutter rat shoved aside by everyone who passes. I can do that much, at least- can’t I?

If he knew about that, he’d call me a bleeding heart. But I’m not. Girl’s tough as nails, there’s no reason she shouldn’t be tough as a shield against the coming dark instead of a terrier worrying the law’s heels before being shut away for the rest of her life, or knifed to death in some dark alley. She deserves a fighting chance, damn it, same as I got!

Mykhael… Oyyy Myk. Damn the fire in my blood, makes me restless and there’s a hunger that food can’t sate. But. I’m not going to make the same mistake twice. Lust makes you blind, lets you see only what you want to see. Won’t risk it. He’s hot tempered like me, doesn’t bother to hide things though, unlike me. Unlike Strahm, too.

It’s so soon. Don’t even know for a fact if Strahm’s what I think he is. The feeling in the pit of my belly says it couldn’t possibly be him, not when every word that coms out of his mouth raises the hairs on the back of my spine. How could I be afraid of the man I love? It isn’t him, clearly. I have no proof.

((Note: Apparently, the thing with Fiorna and Strahm has been retconned. So… a lot of the surety and conviction that I’ve been RPing her anger and disbelief with is apparently false. Just going to do my best to let it sliiide into obscurity because it didn’t happen. Kiiinda changes the story. Doing my best to just go with it.))

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((A piece of paper ripped raggedly out of a journal, crumpled up, stuffed into her mouth, sobbed over, and then thrown at the ground angrily, completely forgotten by the next morning in lieu of the Mightiest Hangover and weepfest. It lies abandoned in the mud, half trampled beneath the tracks on the way to Kirthaven.))

September 14

FUCKR EVRYTHNG

m sck an tired of evrthng

dont wanna die dont wanna die afraid to die dont wanna die dont wan

THE HELL WITH STRAHM AND FIORNA I HOEP THEY SUFFER I DONT EVEN CARE I DONT CARE WHY WOULD I NOT EVEN MARRIED TO HIM HE LIED TO ME AND LIED TO ME AND LIED TO ME AND LIED LIAR LIAR LIES LIE FILTH DECEIT LIAR

i dont even car wat happens enymoor want to shed my skin and be anyone who isn’t Mrs Odynae Vindalis mz Dyna Dawnhammer im a fuckin stupid

cant do anything rite

liar liar liar liar liar lies lied he lied to me said he was going to be with me forever and he left me here to die and i never wanted to die i wanted to live and have children and fight in wars and learn how to cook nice things and get old and scared and grouchy or die on the field or something but im alone and i’ll die alone and i never wanted this

thought i could save the world i cant even save myself theyre all gonna die and I WILL DIE WITH THEM I CANT DO IT IF THEY DONT LIVE I CANT DO IT HOW CAN I FIX IT

LIAR

i hate you I want you I hate you I need you

dont need anyone but me and the dog and

ITS OKAY FOR ME TO LIKE LOOKING AT BUTTS IF I WAN TO OKAY I LIKED HIS MUSCLES THEY WERE NICE AND I HAD THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM BUT I WOULDNT DO IT BECAUSE I WOULDNT

NOT A SLUT GALE WAS WRONG HE WAS WRONG WRONG WRONG I ONLY EVER HAD MY HSUBAND AND MAYRU AND I SHODN VE DONE IT LIKE THAT I DIDN EVEN LOVE HIM I AM BAD AND W

Myks purdy too. Has kind yees and nic e arms and his hands are good. id like to lik him and taste him an

not gonna do it. is stupid and bad and not gonna do it

LIES. ALL LIES. FUCK YOU LORCAIN YOUR STUPID. FUCK YOU STRAHM. FUCK ERYONE. ALL I NEED IS GAELL NOT GALE FUCK GALE GALE WAS A SHITDICK RAG AND I HATE HIM.

gotta learn to be cold and keep my mouth shut always look dont talk listen dont act gotta learn how to be a knight BUT A DEAD WOMAN CANT BE A KNIGHT BECAUSE ILL BE DEAD AS A DOORKNOB AND DOORKNOBS CANT be knights NOW CAN THEY NO THEY CANNOT

I’m not ready. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to move on, I’m not ready to let go of what I thought I had, I’m not ready to be dead and dust and bones and all I wanted was something to hold on to, you know? Something to hold onto and even that just falls to pieces in my hands.

I like looking at him but he doesnt need to know it. He is very nice to look at.

So was Strahm.

doesn’t matter that’s all there is to it

don’t tell ludo you promised you wouldn tell ludo DISGRACE TO THE LIGHT DISGRACE FILTHY SHAMEFUL LIES LIAR SECRET KEEPER CORRUPTED FROM THE INSIDE OUT BY YOUR UNCLEANLINESS

Got Gaell and msorry so sorry so sorry…

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