August 25
Odynae Dawnhammer.
Dyna Dawnhammer.
Ms. Dawnhammer.
Aspirant Dawnhammer.
I am not Vindalis anymore.
A marriage is more than a name and a ring and a constant stream of prayers for the well-being of a husband long absent.
Do I see a future with the thing that is not him, or am I just too scared to move on? I’m not afraid to move on. It’s only that I don’t want to. I love him. Have loved him. And if I’m not Odynae Vindalis, then I must be Dyna Dawnhammer, that stupid girl who left the Abbey two years ago or more and didn’t know anything.
I can’t trust him. I can’t trust him. I feel dirty on the inside. Soiled and rotten. I can’t trust him and he did that himself, whether or not Mayru is right or wrong. Neither of them was there when I needed
I don’t need
It’s better this way. Ziichi said it wasn’t me that was dirty and broken, that his lies ought not make me feel like the vile one. I didn’t know. I should have known but I didn’t know and his lies don’t make me less unless I let them make me less and I don’t
Northcutt showed me his genitals. Waggled them at me and told me I’d be begging for them. He’s a liar I can smell it on him past the bourbon, he’s like Strahm was- just a mask, and what’s real underneath? Sometimes the mask hides the monster, no matter how monstrous the mask. What’s beneath this one. I don’t know. But I seen him pantsless and it sagged and it was horrible I will castrate him if I ever have to see that shit again.
I went out and got shamefully drunk. Ziichi and Mahl said something about holding my hair back if I puked and putting me in some sort of fancy nighty, but I didn’t care, I just wanted to forget Northcutt and his dingle-dangle johnson and forget Strahm and forget everything, just for a little. I just wanted
Doesn’t matter what I wanted it was stupid and it was wrong and I was stupid and wrong to do it. Ludovick called me a disgrace as a vessel for the Light. He was right. I was yelling and cussing and crying. What the hell was I thinking. Such a little thing to upset me, it’s not like I haven’t seen genitals before- only Strahm’s but it doesn
I can’t think ab
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I’ll castrate him if he does it again, I don’t care what lies beneath the mask I’ll do it I’ll cut it right the fuck off I never should have had to see
Stupid. I’m so stupid. Ziich was right- never thought I’d have cause to write that down. Ludovick was right. Mahl was right. McAllister was right.
Today is a new day. I’ll do better. I won’t lose my temper today. I won’t do something stupid.
I found Tia last night. She knew me. She knew me. Thank the Light, she knew my name and I told her about the dwarf we need to get and she said it was unusually cunning and cruel of me- then said she liked it. Of course she did, have I really changed so much? She doesn’t believe that Barclay’s dead and I’m damned if I tell her where his body lies, knowing her she’ll think herself clever and waltz right into that TRAP TRAP TRAP and die just like he did, she doesn’t believe there was ever anything wrong with her, but it’s okay because she’s here and she knows my name, she remembers me. I missed her. LIGHT I missed her so much…
Talked to Tristen too. He wasn’t happy when he found out I’d been feeding the 47th nothing but oatmeal. Said it wasn’t the point. I’ll do better. He looks thin and wan and like he hasn’t been sleeping, insists he’s fine. Lea worries for him, I can tell from her voice. Northcutt worries for him too but Northcutt’s a fucking fucker and I’m going to chop his balls off.
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